The Art of Being Assertive - Copy

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Published on May 17, 2009

Author: tsivasankaran

Source: authorstream.com

Slide 1: THE ART OF BEING ASSERTIVE By T Sivasankaran Advesh Consultancy Services Chennai tss@advesh.com Slide 2: Assertiveness is not about trying to Dominate others WHY ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING? : WHY ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING? Assertiveness training can help to recognise when they are being abused or maneuvered for someone else's benefit, and how to resist such treatment effectively without becoming angry and aggressive. Assertiveness training can help to enhance self confidence. Assertiveness training helps to learn how to persuade people to do as they wish without having to become a bully. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 3 Slide 4: Mastery Skill Knowledge Awareness 4 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 5/17/2009 FOUR BEHAVIOURS : FOUR BEHAVIOURS Slide 6: Aggressive Manipulative Assertive Area of choice Area of no choice Passive 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 6 PASSIVE : PASSIVE Offering no opposition ; submissive. This communicates a message of inferiority Here the person acts like a doormat, downplaying their own needs and willing to fit in with the wishes of others in order to keep the peace at any price. It may be accompanied by general passivity, nervousness and a lack of eye contact. PASSIVE : PASSIVE Put yourself down - "I never know what to do". Put other peoples' needs first - "You need it more than me". Say "It doesn't really matter" when it does? Not say what you really want - "I don't know", "I don't care" (while thinking "I do") Let others choose for you - "No, no, you decide". AGGRESSIVE : AGGRESSIVE Forceful and offensive. Attack without provocation. This always communicates an impression of superiority and disrespect.   This may occur where a person is trying to impose their views inappropriately on others, and it may be accompanied by threatening language and an angry, glaring expression. AGGRESSIVE : AGGRESSIVE Meet your own needs at the expense of others. “I will use your phone” Tell people (sometimes everyone) what you feel and hurt others in the process. “You are very slow” “You don’t know” Make choices for other people. “Let’s have coffee” Hurt other people to get what you want. MANIPULATIVE : MANIPULATIVE This typically occurs where a person seeks to ingratiate themself with another through flattery and other forms of deceit. It may be accompanied by cloying over-attention and a simpering, smarmy voice 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 11 ASSERTIVENESS : ASSERTIVENESS State clearly and forthright. Is the ability to express yourself and your rights in an open, non-confrontational way. ASSERTIVENESS : ASSERTIVENESS Is honest without being rude or hurtful. “I’m sorry; but I can’t give you any cash please” Is about what you really want. “I will have Coffee” Allows others to feel safe and get what they want too. “What do you like to have?” Is respectful of yourself and of others. Does not intentionally hurt people. Slide 14: Assertiveness takes time, patience and guts. It doesn't "just happen". Slide 15: The key to assertiveness is clear, open and honest discussion that does not blame, ridicule or put other people down. COLD SOUP : COLD SOUP Say to the waiter “is this soup supposed to be cold?” Leave the soup Walk out Complain loudly. say in a loud voice “it’s the last time I shall bring anyone here” Tell the waiter “I'd like to see the manager” Tell the waiter that you would like the price of the deducted from the bill. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 16 COLD SOUP : COLD SOUP Say to the waiter “this soup is horrible. take it away and bring us some decently prepared food at once” Ask the waiter "is there something wrong with your electricity supply or gas?” Ask the client if he wants to complain about the soup. When the waiter comes to collect the dishes say “ we could not finish the soup. the flavour was nice but it was not very warm- quite cold in fact” Eat the soup anyway. Say to the waiter “The soup is cold. Would you replace it please?” 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 17 Slide 18: 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 18 WHAT IF?? : WHAT IF?? Form pairs 40 situations are listed Understand the situations and relate to your own life. If there are situations you have not experienced directly, relate to similar situation Discuss with your partner and list where you had been asseretive,passive and aggressive. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 19 Slide 20: A member of your team is constantly late for duty. You feel your colleague is possessive of information which you need to complete your job You are asked to take on additional work, although you are working to full capacity now. A customer/client is rude and abusive to you on the telephone. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 20 Slide 21: Your spouse persists in a habit which annoys you. You want to watch Cricket –Old clips and your family wants to watch Jack Pot You meet with your friend who is “bore” and he wants to tell you about his latest hobby. Someone pushes in front of you in a queue A friend/relative asks to borrow some money from you. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 21 WORK SITUATION : WORK SITUATION Your boss introduces a new system which you can see to be flawed. Your boss finds an error in your work and scolds you in front of your colleagues. Your boss criticizes you unjustly in private. A member of your team is constantly late for duty. During office hours, two of your staff spend an excessive amount of time chatting about their private life. Your boss expects you to shoulder more responsibility than you feel you are paid for or your status reflects. You know your standard of work to be very high possibly better than most in your section- but your boss is critical of you. Your boss by-passes you and admonishes one of your staff for errors committed. You feel your colleague is possessive of information which you need to complete your job. You take a group of your clients/guests for lunch, but the waiter ignores you, addressing a member of the groups if he were the organiser of the party. You are asked to take on additional work, although you are working to full capacity now. A customer/client is rude and abusive to you on the telephone. A customer/client is rude and abusive to one of your staff. A customer/client/boss/colleague makes a racist remark. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 22 AT HOME : AT HOME Your spouse persists in a habit which annoys you. Your spouse refuses to discuss problems and just goes silent and moody. Your spouse cannot discuss problems without getting angry, defensive or aggressive. Your family wants a holiday/travel to Hill Station but you wanted a pilgrimage. Your spouse accepts an offer for dinner from your relative and you would prefer not to accept. You want to begin a hobby which involves lot of time away from home. After asking opinion from your spouse on purchase of certain household furniture, you want to buy your choice. Your children do not do enough to help in the house. One of your parents criticizes you about the way you are handling your children You want to watch Cricket –Old clips and your family wants to watch Jack Pot 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 23 GENERAL SITUATIONS : GENERAL SITUATIONS You buy a shirt from a market trader. After one wash, it shrinks to a third of its original size. A colleague persists in asking questions about your private life which you would prefer not to talk about. You are about to begin a meal in a restaurant. A man at the next table, lights up a cigarette You meet with your friend who is “bore” and he wants to tell you about his latest hobby. You are relaxing with a cup of coffee in a restaurant. Quietness was shattered by a group of young people Someone pushes in front of you in a queue. You are overcharged in a restaurant. A doctor tells you that you have chronic “knotakulvirus” and you will need to take 4 capsules of “Nasticycline” daily. You don’t like to give your motorcycle to anyone nor do u like to take the motorbike of any of your friends. A friend makes a request for using your motorbike for an hour . In a shop a salesperson takes lots of pain to find something which will fit your requirements. But actually it does not. Someone telephones just as you are sitting down to a meal. You feel angry/hurt as the way your friend has treated you. Some one is making an insulting remark about a person you like and admire. You are chatting in a group of friends/relatives. And one person makes a remark about you which you feel to be a put down. A friend/relative asks to borrow some money from you. You need to ask for the repayment of money you lent to a friend of yours. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 24 ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE : ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE OVERVIEW ASSERTIVENESS --START : ASSERTIVENESS --START Thinking assertively Feeling confident Behaving positively 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 26 To be assertive…………… : To be assertive…………… You need to: • Value yourself and others around you. (Think)• Think about what you want, and think about whether it is fair (Think)• Discuss your needs and feelings clearly, openly and honestly. (Feel)• Stay calm, cool and collected while talking about them. (Feel)• Be open to new ways of thinking about yourself, others and situations.(Think) • Give compliments to people and take them when you get them back.(Behave) • Be open to fair criticism and not be afraid to make fair criticism yourself. (Behave)• Acknowledge yours and others rights. (Behave)• Negotiate and make compromises. (Behave)• Problem-solve and collaborate with others to do this.(Behave) 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 27 MOST IMPORTANT : MOST IMPORTANT EYE CONTACT 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 28 ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE : ASSERTIVENESS TECHNIQUE Creating self esteem Communication - Your voice and language Communication - Body language Persistency - Broken record and workable compromise Handling Criticism – Fogging and Negative assertion 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 29 CREATING SELF ESTEEM : CREATING SELF ESTEEM WHAT IS SELF ESTEEM? SELF ESTEEM : SELF ESTEEM Look at your personalities Be conscious of your abilities Feel proud of your achievements 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 31 The 'Bill of Assertive Rights' in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty reads as follows: : The 'Bill of Assertive Rights' in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty reads as follows: You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them. You have the right to say, 'I don't know'. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions. You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'. You have the right to say, 'I don't care'. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 32 CREATING SELF ESTEEM : CREATING SELF ESTEEM Complete the following with a positive statement about a personal quality, attribute or achievement Examples I am knowledgeable about Local market I can identify potential customers I think I am good in communication I believe in my judgment about people 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 33 CREATING SELF ESTEEM : CREATING SELF ESTEEM I am I can I think I believe 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 34 COMMUNICATION : COMMUNICATION VOICE AND LANGUAGE ASSERTIVE WORD CHOICE : ASSERTIVE WORD CHOICE Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. Use factual descriptions instead of judgments or exaggerations. Express thoughts , feelings , and opinions reflecting ownership Use clear , direct requests or directives when you want others to do something , rather than hinting , being indirect , or presuming 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 36 “I” STATEMENTS : “I” STATEMENTS You always interrupt my talk. I would like to explain without interruption. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 37 FACTUAL DESCRIPTIONS : FACTUAL DESCRIPTIONS If you don’t change your attitude, you are going to be in real trouble. If you continue to arrive late , I will be required to place you under suspension. If you do not score good marks, I will not support your higher education. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 38 REFLECT OWNERSHIP : REFLECT OWNERSHIP He makes me angry by coming late. I get angry when he comes late. The only sensible policy is to match the competition. I believe matching the competition is the best policy. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 39 CLEAR AND DIRECT : CLEAR AND DIRECT Would you mind taking this to Mr. Ram Will you please take this to Mr. Ram Please take this to Mr. Ram Why don’t you stop on the way home and pick up vegetables? Will you please pick up vegetables on your way home? Please pick up vegetables on your way home. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 40 DO’S : DO’S Be respectful, realistic and honest Express preferences and priorities Express feelings honestly Say no politely and firmly 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 41 DON’TS : DON’TS Don’t say “I can’t” or I won’t be able to” Don’t depersonalize feelings or deny ownership Don’t exaggerate, minimise , or use sarcasm. Don’t defer to be sociable or agree unwillingly 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 42 Slide 43: 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 43 COMMUNICATION : COMMUNICATION BODY LANGUAGE BODY LANGUAGE : BODY LANGUAGE Voice tone Volume Pace Eye contact Facial expression Gestures Movements Posture Muscle tension Clothing Hair style Eye glasses 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 45 BODY LANGUAGE : BODY LANGUAGE P0STURES Slide 47: 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 47 BODY LANGUAGE : BODY LANGUAGE GESTURES Slide 49: 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 49 BODY LANGUAGE : BODY LANGUAGE FACIAL EXPRESSION Slide 51: 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 51 Dominance/Power : Dominance/Power Making piercing eye contact Putting hands behind head or neck Placing hands on hips Standing while counterpart is seated Steepling 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 52 Submission/Nervousness : Submission/Nervousness Fidgetting Making minimum eye contact Touching hands to face , hair etc Using briefcase to “guard” body Clearing throat 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 53 Disagreement/Anger : Disagreement/Anger Getting red Pointing a finger Squinting Turning body away Crossing arms or legs 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 54 Boredom and Lack of Interest : Boredom and Lack of Interest Failing to make eye contact Playing with objects Staring blankly Picking at clothes Looking at watch/door 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 55 Uncertainty/Indecision : Uncertainty/Indecision Cleaning glasses Looking puzzled Putting fingers to mouth Biting lip Tilting head 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 56 Suspicion/Dishonesty : Suspicion/Dishonesty Touching nose while speaking Covering mouth Avoiding eye contact Crossing arms/legs Moving body away 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 57 Confidence, Cooperation and Honesty : Confidence, Cooperation and Honesty Leaning forward Keeping arms and palms open Maintaining great eye contact Placing feet flat on floor Sitting with legs uncrossed Smiling 5/17/2009 The Art of Negotiating Advesh Consultancy Services 58 PERSISTENCY : PERSISTENCY BROKEN RECORD AND WORKABLE COMPROMISE BROKEN RECORD : BROKEN RECORD A SKILL THAT BY CALM REPETITION- SAYING WHAT YOU WANT OVER AND OVER AGAIN- TEACHES PERSISTENCE WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO REHEARSE ARGUMENTS OR ANGRY FEELINGS. WORKABLE COMPROMISE : WORKABLE COMPROMISE WHENEVER YOU FEEL THAT YOUR SELF RESPECT IS NOT IN QUESTION, OFFER A WORKABLE COMPROMISE TO THE OTHER PERSON. ACTIVITY : ACTIVITY ROLE PLAY SAY “NO” SAY “NO” : SAY “NO” On a Sunday morning, your brother in law comes home and asks for your motorbike for his use for a day. You don’t want to give. One of your friends asks for a loan of Rs 1000. You have cash with you and your friend is aware of it. You need to refuse. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 63 SAY “NO” : SAY “NO” A customer is insisting on delivery of product the same day and you can not do the same. Say no without losing the customer Your boss wants you to achieve 100% more than the previous year. You feel this is not possible. Use the techniques to assert yourself 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 64 HANDLING CRITICISM : HANDLING CRITICISM FOGGING NEGATIVE ASSERTION CRITICISM : CRITICISM Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 66 TIPS TO HANDLE CRITICISM : TIPS TO HANDLE CRITICISM Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it. Don't take it to heart. React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.Be prepared for constructive criticism.This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 67 FOGGING : FOGGING A SKILL THAT TEACHES ACCEPTANCE OF MANIPULATIVE CRITICISM BY CALMLY ACKNOWLEDGING TO YOUR CRITIC THE PROBABILITY THAT THERE MAY BE SOME TRUTH IN WHAT HE SAYS, YET ALLOWS YOU TO REMAIN YOUR OWN JUDGE OF WHAT YOU DO. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 68 FOGGING : FOGGING Requires some self-control Stay calm in the face of criticism, and agreeing with whatever may be fair and useful in it. By refusing to be provoked and upset by criticism, you remove its destructive power. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 69 NEGATIVE ASSERTION : NEGATIVE ASSERTION A SKILL THAT TEACHES ACCEPTANCE OF YOUR ERRORS AND FAULTS WITHOUT HAVING TO APOLOGISE BY STRONGLY AGREEING WITH CRITICISM OF YOUR NEGATIVE QUALITIES. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 70 ACTIVITY : ACTIVITY SOME SCENARIOS Role play Your boss criticises you for something that you know without a doubt you didn’t do : Your boss criticises you for something that you know without a doubt you didn’t do A new member of your Team is critical of your Department and always tell “we in Company X would do like this” : A new member of your Team is critical of your Department and always tell “we in Company X would do like this” You will have to give feedback on performance of your Assistant. He is making good progress but still makes careless mistakes. : You will have to give feedback on performance of your Assistant. He is making good progress but still makes careless mistakes. Ask someone not to smoke in your cabin/home/room. He does not stop. : Ask someone not to smoke in your cabin/home/room. He does not stop. You would like to eat out tonight. But your wife does not want to go out for dinner : You would like to eat out tonight. But your wife does not want to go out for dinner You are talking to someone on a matter of great importance to you. Their body language tells you that they are not really listening to you. : You are talking to someone on a matter of great importance to you. Their body language tells you that they are not really listening to you. Your neighbour keeps TV volume very high and it irritates you. : Your neighbour keeps TV volume very high and it irritates you. You have to send your monthly sales report and you were waiting for some information from Accounts for you to complete. There is delay in getting the information and the person is attending to some other unimportant work : You have to send your monthly sales report and you were waiting for some information from Accounts for you to complete. There is delay in getting the information and the person is attending to some other unimportant work assert :  assert • Listen - understand, put yourself in others' shoes and ask for clarification.• Keep calm - deep breaths, take your time, and allow others to express their feelings. • Be prepared - stick to facts. • Compromise - try and find a "win-win" solution. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 80 assert : assert Remember that just because someone says something you don't have to believe it. Put a stop to the put-down as soon as possible. Choose to leave the situation. This might take persistence, being open to negotiation or compromise and having the ability to ask for and accept constructive criticism. 17 May 2009 Advesh Consultancy Services 81 THANK YOU : THANK YOU

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