Published on July 21, 2009
Sawa Bona Sikhona
It is not only the technological advances that have marked the start of this millenium. Affectionate relationships are also going through profound transformations and revolutionizing the concept of love.
What we search for today is a relationship compatible with the modern times, in which exists individuality, respect, happiness and pleasure to be together, and no longer a relationship of dependence, in which one person is responsible for the well-being of the other.
The idea of one person being the remedy for our happiness, which was born from romanticism, is destined to disappear at the start of this century.
Romantic love is based on the assumption that we are a mere fraction and that we need to meet our other half to feel complete.
Often it happens even as a process of depersonalization that historically, has affected more in women. She abandons her characteristics to amalgamate herself with the male project.
The theory of “opposites attract” also comes from the same root: the other has to know what I do not know. If I am gente, he should be aggressive, and so forth. A practical idea of survival, hardly romantic by what it sounds.
The keyword to look out for this century is partnership. We are changing the love of necessity for the love of desire. I like and desire company, but I do not need it - which is quite different.
With technological advances, that demand more individual time, people are losing the fear of living alone, and are learning to live better with themselves.
They are starting to realise that they feel like a fraction, when they are a whole unite. The one to whom you create a bond, may also feel like a fraction. He is not the prince charming or the saviour of anything. He is just a companion on your journey.
Man is an animal who would keep trying to chang the world, and then finds out that he needs to reinvent himself to fit in the world that he has recreated.
We are entering an era of individuality, that has nothing to do with egoism. The egoist does not have his own energy, he feeds himself on the energy of others, be it financial or moral.
A new form of love, or more love, has a new feature and meaning. It aims for the coming together of two entire persons, and not the union of two half unites.
And this would only be possible for those who manage to work on their individuality. The more an individual is capable to live alone, the more prepared one would be for an affectionate relationship.
Solitude is fine, being alone is not shameful. On the contrary, it dignifies a person. Affectionate relationships are great, they are quite similar to being alone, if nobody demands nothing from each other, then both may flourish. Relationships of domination and exagerated concessions are things of the last century.
Each brain is unique. Our way of thinking and acting should not be taken as a reference to evaluate anyone. Many times, when we think that someone is our soul mate, but what we really did was having shaped him/her to fit our taste.
Everyone should spend some time alone every now and again, to establish an inner dialogue and discover your personal force.
Through solitude, the individual comes to understand that harmony and peace of the spirit can only be found within oneself and not in other people.
By realising this, one would become less critical, more understanding of others’ differences, and more respectful towards the others.
Love between two whole beings is much healthier. In such kind of connection, there would only be warmth, pleasure of companionship and mutual respect.
Sometimes it is not enough to be forgiven, lot of times we need to learn to forgive ourselves...
SAWA BONA , is a common greeting a mong the tribes of northern Natal in South Africa that literally means: I SEE YOU As to say, “I respect and acknowledge you for who you are.”
In return, people say SIKBONA which literally means: I AM HERE As to say, “ when you see me, you bring me into existence.”
Written by Flávio Gikovate Psychoanalyst
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