remodeling your marriage

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Information about remodeling your marriage

Published on December 2, 2008

Author: aSGuest4832


Remodeling your Relationship : Remodeling your Relationship Basic tune ups for couples Woodstock 1969 : Woodstock 1969 More than three decades ago a bunch of young people got together looking for love and a good time Today more than ever men and women need coaching on how to be in good life giving relationships Some times we just need to grow up and realize we need the help of others to have the best marriage we can. It is a great idea as couples plan for their wedding day to make a plan for regular relational check ups for their marriage. Time heals all wounds - well if it does just buy a clock at Wal-Mart for $4.99 and tape it to your chest ! Love takes work to grow like a beautiful flower garden. Plan on fertilizing your love relationship with couples groups, marriage seminars, watching shows of how to have a better marriage on TV, getting a couple who have a good marriage to meet with you every two months. Consider that as part of your marriage ceremony you will tell all your friends and family what you have built into the foundation of your marriage - like an insurance policy - to tend to your marriage as a first priority When we marry someone we get two suitcases. After all there is a two bag limit at most airlines. You get one bag of blessings and one bag of the other persons junk. Most couples avoid actually getting rid of their garbage and just play around in it for years. Do not be that couple. Decide today to make a plan. Paint only covers over scars - decide to be a couple who dares to become an outstanding couple and for that we must become unselfish and vulnerable. We must honor each other as we clean up our “stuff” Like Woodstock - people were lookin for love in all the wrong places - if we do not get our fears and hurts we hurt our spouse and our kids and our co workers Talk and Listen : Talk and Listen A teacher who lives in Spokane Washington does a DVD series on relationships. One of his points from his own life was that when he was a small boy he would get questioned by his mom about his feelings. He would share his feelings and she would then feel free to tell the whole family or others about her sons vulnerable areas in his life. After this happened more than once the little boy recalled as an adult that he decided to do something about this pain from his Mommy. He made a vow. A vow is a belief that locks up our will. He said - I will never tell my mom anything about how I am feeling again. He decided women cant be trusted with your feelings. He stopped talking to his mom about anything but superficial things. Well fast forward the clock to 20 years later. This same little boy is walking down the aisle with his sweetheart. His vow was put on hold to gain this woman's heart. He allowed himself to be temporarily vulnerable. Months go by after the wedding and as this teacher said - people marry other people who are “designed to grind”. You find those spots too soon where you just grind on each other. You never deal with those places to get to the bottom of what is happening and separation begins to fill where love and trust were before. SOLUTION: decide to get relationship coaching. You can do that one on one or in groups. Do not be proud because that does not help. SOLUTION: Decide to be a good listener with your spouse. Decide to actually include feelings and beliefs in your conversations. Feelings are real. However, we must grow up in marriage. We must have healthy boundaries. Read books about healthy marriages and read them together. Learn how to honor each other and listen to each other and you talk through hard things. Do not discount or diminish one another. LISTEN - Emotionally listen to your spouse. Try and hear what they are sharing and ask questions. Be patient. Noah and the boys : Noah and the boys There is a story in the Bible that everyone knows or has heard of - Noah and the Ark. God told Noah to go into the Ark - you and your whole family. In verse 7 of Chapter 7 “And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons wives entered the arc to escape the waters…. So Noah’s wife was not next to him - the kids had taken the wife’s place. Now in verse 8:15 the flood is over and God speaks “ Then God said to Noah, “Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives”. And in verse 18 is Noah's response - “So now Noah came out together with his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives. Here again we see Noah is having issues with his marriage. In Chapter 9 we see good old Noah blasted on wine embarrassing his sons and who knows where his wife was ! The point whether you believe in the bible or not - most weddings include the following thought - a man shall leave his mother and father and become One with his wife. The idea is not to leave mom and dad to become a parent. That is second not first. When we get our life relationships out of order - all hell breaks loose. If you marry your work your life is hell. If you marry your kids your wife is in constant pain. Same true if woman puts her children before her husband. WHAT KIND OF BOAT ARE YOU GOING TO BUILD - decide and commit to a marriage that has bucket seats. A sporty car has two seats in the front - that is for mom and dad and kids sit in the back seat. Too many marriages get crippled because - kids take the place of the first relationship - man and wife not man and kids or wife and kids. YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN - if your mom and dad did what is above - forget their intimacy and live for the kids - guess what - you will by osmosis - do this again if you do not commit to change. Soul Ties : Soul Ties From this title you probably think you will read about a new silk tie for an up and coming executive that is really cool. You got soul baby. No that is not what this tip for remodeling your marriage relationship is about. SOUL TIES - when you sleep with or have sex with another human being - you become one flesh with them. You become one in your souls with that person. You get their two suitcases in you. You get their blessings and their curses. You spiritually inherit them. That is why people dream about having sex with someone who was two partners ago while in bed with their wife or husband. That is why people freak out when they see an “X” somewhere. You cant shake them. Why because you have become one with them. It can be like stepping on something in the grass and you cant get it off your shoe sole. God is not boring and he invented sex. The reason He told us not to sleep around is because there are big consequence to spiritually connecting with someone. You can be “soul tied” to someone with out sex. You can be enmeshed with a parent - you cant make it on your own - you let them too far into you. SOLUTION: There are two ways to go about getting rid of this big dilemma. If you have a belief system that does not include God - you can try and tell yourself to spiritually be disconnected from this person. Ask to be unhooked and believe you are . Watch your thoughts and work on removing this person from any spiritual attachments. Now I cannot tell you about how hard or easy this is to achieve because this is not in my life experience. I trust you will get better and more free from these other people. It matters because we do not believe in polygamy in most circles in America. Yet when you have sex with 50 people we are spiritually so disconnected and diverted from true Oneness with our spouse. The second way which I do know about is if you believe in the God of the BIBLE - Father, Son and Holy Spirit - you can ask and pray that God would forgive you for giving yourself away to all these people. If you cannot remember all of them that is ok too. God knows their names and their “suitcases”. Ask God to cleanse your soul from all attachments known or unknown, conscious or subconscious. Just ask God to break all soul ties with people you slept with - including premarital sex with your spouse. That is a no no too God. Sorry He has never changed. Break all soul ties with your parents - you are to put parents in their place when you get married. They go in back seat with the kids. This means that we must learn how to have our first friendship and to confide in our spouse not sister, brother, or mom or dad or friends. Marriage is a big commitment and a big change in the order of our life. Tune Up - Oil Change : Tune Up - Oil Change Patterns exist in families - we can see how divorce can start a chain reaction in family lines. Children can feel rejected, abandoned, lacking in basic trust from the jolt of divorce. Children can make vows or harden their hearts to protect themselves. Story: a young man I work with was talking about marriage. I said what do you believe about a life long commitment to another person. He said I do not believe that matters. I will try it and if it gets bad I will be out of there and try again. This is what his family taught him about marriage. There was adultery in his family and a belief system of breaking commitments when things get tough. I would call this covenant breaking. Drive by relationships. Now this young man thinks that this belief is his right and it just affects him. But is that true ? Looking down the road 20 years - this belief can cause deep pain and consequences to the partner, any children who will also be abandoned, to friends of the couple, to their family, to co workers. We do not live in a world of isolation. My spin bike teacher told a story about his neighbor not telling him to cut his weeds but turned him in to the city authorities. He said he was close to this neighbor he thought and why would they not talk to him and ask him to take care of the matter. Most people are not well skilled in conflict resolution. The spin biking teachers said he read a book by C S Lewis on Hell . He defined hell as life on earth where people get farther and farther from one another. Wow. SOLUTION: examine what you believe about a life long commitment. Talk about fears etc. Be honest with your fiancé or spouse about your beliefs and unpack what they are together. Be honest and respect each other to talk through hard stuff. SOLUTION: decide with your will that you are in for the long haul in your marriage. There are situations Where a parachute out is needed. But if you are divorced or from a divorced family - consider getting some coaching on where you are and how you could become stronger. Eye Cleansing Solution : Eye Cleansing Solution We are taught as parents not to expose our children to certain kinds of movies or tv shows that might scare them or show them things they should not see. Some old fashioned adults protect their eyes from specific vulgarity. Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. We wash our eyes with solutions to get pollution from the air out of our precious eyes. Why not keep the eyes of our heart pure. Statistics are that over 40 per cent of young boys have viewed pornography today. As concrete thinkers not even mentally developed never mind emotionally - this is a jolt to their spirit. We have all heard of the term - I cannot handle it - and so it is with teens viewing perversion. We spoke of soul ties and when our eyes view pornography we become spiritually hooked to a stranger. Like plaque on our teeth - enough of this and - wella - we can no longer connect with our spouse. This is not just sexually but in all matters of life together. DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT - if your partner is into pornography or free sex - expect trouble. This is cancer in a relationship. Do not marry someone who is doing things you would never do - without insisting they get free. It will be one of the greatest sorrows of your life. SOLUTION: find a sex therapist. There is no additional shame to needing healing in the area of sexual addictions. All bondage is the same - we must work to get rid of this controlling habit - False intimacy can not take the place of true intimacy/relationships. CLEAN YOUR EYES - we really do have eyes in our heart. That sounds funny but - how we view life, others, God, country - is our worldview. This view is from our heart. Try a fast from impure things. A word fast from talking trash or reading trash. Then we can see how clean feels again. We do not usually again believe in polygamy. Pornography causes our spirit or true self to be divided. Back to the Basics - a man shall leave his mother and father and become one flesh with his wife. Lets decide to do whatever it takes to have the best marriage on earth. It costs a lot but it is worth it.

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