Published on March 14, 2014
Office wars: Good people vs. evil mutants Episode 1: Attack of the donkey-boss By, Tom Daley
Introduction Many may wonder what inspired me to write this book. Here are my top 3 reasons; 1. I needed to release my creative little beast that lives deep within my soul. I let this beast roam free when I was a child, and repressed him hard since I joined the grown up world. Back in grade school I could unleash this beast in art class as I drew the best picture of me and my family enjoying the beach on a warm summer day. I can still hear Mom say “it looks great son…. and what exactly is it?” 2. I wanted to prove to myself that I could use my PowerPoint skills for more than just my normal boring corporate training presentations. All the art work in this book was created using PowerPoint. I am no artist as you will soon discover, but overall I am still satisfied with how the art work looks. I even think Mom would display proudly on her fridge door just like she did way back during my grade school days. 3. The book really helped me see things differently in my life. Sometimes things seem so much worse in your mind, but when you talk about it or write about it, you realize that there are more important things in life than stressing about work problems. I have been blessed with a great wife, two amazing children, a mom and dad that gave me everything I ever needed in life, and friends who have always made me feel good about being me. When I think about my life, I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. To steal the immortal words of Lou Gehrig, I can truly say that “I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth!” So I hope everyone enjoys the book as much as I enjoyed putting it together. I would love to hear any feedback good or bad. Feel free to reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary Donkey: 1: the domestic ass, part of the horse family 2: a stupid or obstinate person Boss: 1: a person who exercises control or authority; specifically : one who directs or supervises workers New Proposed entry Donkey-Boss: 1. a stupid ass exercising control or authority
Sales Projections $$$ Year 1 Year 2 Year 3 We have all dealt with our fair share of bad bosses, but sometimes you come across one or two that really stand out above the rest. Some of these bad bosses have something extra. It’s almost like they were genetically engineered for their evil role in life. My theory, and don’t laugh at me until you hear me out, is that these special bad bosses are evil mutants. Yes, I said it. Mutants. Now give me a chance to explain before you run away from me like I am some type of nut case.
By the way, let me introduce myself. Hi – I am Max Dout, a.k.a. employee # 37927. I don’t sleep much anymore. Can you tell by the bags under my eyes? I carry around this file all day so my evil boss will think I am always hard at work, and I drink about 20 diet sodas a day to keep my brain running at full speed. I also like to imagine that my soda can will transform into a light saber just in case my boss ever goes rabid on me.
So here’s my story. It all started a few years ago. Life was going along pretty good for me. I work for a marshmallow distribution company in the sales department and I just got promoted to a Tri-state Area Sales Account Manager. I heard all the jokes like my job is soft, and that my sales pitch is mostly fluff. But other than some strange recurring dreams about marshmallows at night, my work was good. $ Cha- Ching! So in this dream I am eating a giant marshmallow, and when I wake up my pillow is missing. What does it mean Doc? I think it means that I need to increase you to three visits per week!
Most of my co-workers are awesome. In fact I had two co-workers, Hope Knot and Ty Tanic, who became part of my private little army. Hope was a cagey veteran who knew how to fly under the radar. Good ole Ty was in a constant state of panic. They both helped me survive at work.
And my personal life was going great. My beautiful wife and I were getting ready for our first baby, and we were both riding high on cloud nine! Things were going so well in my personal life that I should have known that my incredible lucky streak at work would eventually hit a brick wall.
And then it did. My old boss got reassigned, and in comes the new boss. Mr. Donald Key, a.k.a. Don Key. Yes, that’s his name, and yes he does look a lot like a donkey. Coincidence? I think not. I have a theory about where he came from and how he became the boss he is today. I will share my theory now so don’t go anywhere, it’s a good one…. Let’s make some hay peoples!!!!
My Theory is that many years ago there was an evil mad scientist that had an evil mad plan. He wanted to create a perfect donkey boss who would some day terrorize employees throughout the corporate world. So he invented a machine that could merge the mind and body of a donkey with the mind and body of a baby human. It’s Alive!!! Mwhahahaha!!! Dada?
Uncle Dominick The mad scientist cared for his creation like it was his own son. This was hard work for an evil mad scientist. The potty training alone took donkey-boy many years to master. It was a long and torturous journey, but the evil mad scientist knew there was too much at stake to give up. Bathroom Bad donkey- boy! Bad!
And when donkey-boy was finally ready to be on his own, the evil mad scientist started preparing him for his evil future. The first thing he did was teach donkey-boy to distrust all humans. This would help him become the ultimate bad Donkey-Boss just as the mad scientist had planned. Never trust anyone son! Help Dad! Jump son! I’ll catch you! Waaaaa! Why didn’t you catch me!
It wasn’t long before donkey-boy had lost every trace of trust for all humans. In fact, donkey-boy was so messed up in his head that he was afraid of his own shadow. Unfortunately for donkey-boy and the world, the evil mad scientist was just getting started.
For you see, this evil mad scientist wasn’t your average underachieving evil mad scientist. He was an evil genius who wrote the book “How To Torture Your Evil Mutant To The Top Of The Corporate Food Chain”. The book gave a step by step guide on how to create the ultimate evil mutant boss, and it became a must read for any serious evil mad scientist who was plotting the destruction of corporate cultures. How To Torture Your Evil Mutant To The Top Of The Corporate Food Chain
There were 4 key areas that the book focused on: Scrambling The Brain, Softening The Spine, Blackening The Heart, and Banishing The Balls. Before After
Scramble The Brain: Evil mutant bosses cannot have original thoughts or ideas. Destroying corporate cultures require mindless leaders who have no imagination or vision for long term growth. Soften The Spine: Challenging the status quo would derail the mission of even the best evil mad scientist. Spineless leaders are the perfect solution. Blacken The Heart: There is no love in business; especially the business of destroying corporate cultures. “How To Torture Your Evil Mutant To The Top Of The Corporate Food Chain” - Cliff Notes
Banish The Balls: The evil mad scientist was extremely ruthless, and he will stop at nothing to reach his ultimate goal. It makes me cry just thinking about what he did to his evil creation. Donkey-boy loved playing ball, but the evil mad scientist needed Donkey-boy to be 100% focused on his evil destiny. Therefore, all balls were banished and poor Donkey-boy was robbed of any type of childhood fun. “How To Torture Your Evil Mutant To The Top Of The Corporate Food Chain” - Cliff Notes No more balls Donkey-boy! Waaaaa!!!! Waaaaa!!!
I am so proud of you donkey- boy! Sweet!!! My pony is so HOT! Hee-haw! After taking donkey-boy through every tortuous step of his evil book, the evil mad scientist was finally ready to promote donkey-boy to evil Donkey-Boss status. He even legally changed donkey-boy’s name to Donald Key, as he realized that no company would ever hire a person with a donkey-boy resume. The evil mad scientist was so proud of Donkey-Boss, and to celebrate he bought him the pony that he always wanted.
It was an extremely emotional day for the evil mad scientist, and in a moment of weakness, he almost shed some tears. This moment ended abruptly when the mad scientist’s evil brain sent his neuron goons to deliver a message to the tear ducts. Now that the evil mad scientist was back to his normal evil frame of mind, he was ready to implement the next stage of his evil plan. Go pay our sissy tear duct friends a visit. Remind them how evil I am! Mwhahahaha!!! Actual signs of tears.
The next step was getting his Donkey-Boss ready for his mission of destroying corporate cultures. Now you may ask why the destruction of corporate cultures was so important to the evil mad scientist. I believe it was so he could have companies bid on Donkey-Boss’ service in order to eliminate competition. He knew that the corporate world was so driven by greed that most corporate leaders would pay top dollar for this type of destructive service. Welcome to the marshmallow business Donkey-Boss! Now go destroy our top competitor! $$$$
The evil mad scientist knew that donkey-boy would need plenty of help learning the craft of terrorizing employees and creating toxic work environments, so he wrote his next evil book to help guide his Donkey-Boss. The title of his second evil book was “An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments.” Again it was a must read for all evil mad scientists looking to destroy the corporate world. An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Creating Toxic Work Environments An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments
An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Creating Toxic Work Environments An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments The book was extremely heavy, with over 1000 pages. This made the evil mad scientist very proud and it gave him an opportunity to show off his awesome biceps. There was a new gym that opened up in his neighborhood last year and it inspired the evil mad scientist to treat himself to the best bicep implants that money could buy! If you ask him, I am sure he will say he got them just for show, but I think deep down he is hoping to attract a young female evil mad scientist. In any case, his biceps are rocking! 18 inch bicep monsters
The book gave Donkey-Boss an idiot’s proof guide to destroying employee morale and creating the ultimate toxic work environment. The evil mad scientist was counting on Donkey-Boss to master the lessons from his book in order to help him destroy corporate cultures throughout the world. The book is way too long to cover today so I will give you my Cliff Notes version. Lesson 1 Donkey-Boss Rules Peons are fools
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 1: Make sure every action destroys employee trust and morale. Any action that isn’t destructive and toxic is a complete waste of your time. Remember, your actions and behaviors should suck the positive energy out of the room. Master this and you will be the Donkey-Boss King of the Corporate World! Positive NRG Zapper Positive NRG Zapper bzzzzzzzz It literally sucks the positive energy out of the room, and it comes with a 30-day money back guarantee! Can I test it out on the max setting? Brilliant! This thing really Sucks! I’ll purchase 10 of these bad boys!!!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 2: Nepotism is always the best way to go. Only hire your family and friends who will help you complete your mission of destruction. Make sure all your employees know that this is the only chance of ever getting a promotion. Big news! Big news! Big news! Great news Ima Bugg and Iggy Guana! I am recommending you both for the Management Fast Track Program!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 3: Spying is always a good thing. You can never surround yourself with enough corporate spies. And make sure your employees always have that “somebody’s watching me” feeling in and out of the office. Paranoia extreme equals toxic supreme!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 4: Use technology to your advantage, especially if it involves stalking your peons. Remember that nothing destroys trust and morale faster than some good old fashion spying. Big news! Big news! Big news! It looks like our problem child Ty spent an extra 10 minutes at the water cooler today! I’ll make note of it for his file Boss.
Sales and employee morale are at an all-time low. To fix I recommend we focus on drastically improving the morale. Absolutely not! Too risky!!! How’s it risky??? We can’t risk employees enjoying their work at the company’s expense! Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 5: Use stupid logic to explain all your reasoning. The trick is keeping a straight face so make sure you stay 100% focused. It is critical that they believe that you believe what you are saying is true. If you apply this stupid logic often enough, you may even inflict others to thinking the same way! I hope stupid isn’t contagious!!!!
Arrgh!!! Here you go Boss. Am I getting too predictable? Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 6: Make sure to steal your employees’ best work. They should be flattered that you are stealing their work in the first place, but don't do it for that reason. In fact, make sure you tell them that you have stolen much better work from other people, and that they better get their act together if they want to be around much longer.
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 6a: Remember that stealing the work of your employees should be part of the work culture. Stealing work is not a one and done deal. Keep it going all year long in order to achieve maximum levels of toxicity. Here you go Boss. Darn you’re good!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 7: And when you are not stealing your employee’s best work, make sure you are destroying it. Resist the urge to destroy it in front of the employee. You can inflict more mental pain by giving them a false sense of hope. They will constantly wonder why their work always seems to go into the corporate black hole. This is much more painful in the long run! This device will triple profits and also drive employee morale through the roof! Awesome! I’ll make sure I get it to the right place. Look out below!!!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 8: Keep crossing that line of human decency. Remember that you’re the boss and nothing is off limits. Go out of your way to let your people know that their personal life is meaningless to you, and that you don’t listen to a single word that they say to you. Max, is that somebody calling about our new baby?
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 9: Reward your spineless employees. After all, they are the ones that make it easy for you to carry out your mission. You can never have too many spineless peons manning your ship! We haven’t paid Crabs in over 6 months and not once did he cry about it! You rock Crabs! I hope you people are taking good notes?!?! No trophy…. paycheck please. Why are you clapping Ty? Hush! This celebration might include cake!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments. Chapter 10: Destroy anyone who displays any spec of creative, and unique thinking. Make it clear that there will be no “outside the box” type of thinking here, and that the best way for them to survive is to act like a robot. Remind them that they are just a small and insignificant part of the machine, and they can be replaced at anytime. Big news! Big news! Big news! Looks like number 37927 has gone rogue on us. DESTROY HIM!!! 37927
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 11: Make sure they know where they belong on the corporate food chain. There are so many ways you can do this, so go ahead and have some fun! This new dress code is ridiculous. Let’s take it up with HR. Are you with me? Baaaa! And I'm hungry like the wolf Do not disturb! Big Bad Boss at work!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 12: Build a strong network with evil mutant bosses from other departments. This will help ensure your whiny peons do not have a voice in their pathetic situation. Remember that peons should be seen not heard. HR Dept. C’mon Ty. Let’s tell HR what we think about the new uniforms!!! GULP!!!! Ummm…. These uniforms are so soft and comfy…. how can we order some more? Can I help you? Baaaa! It’s time to hear my roar!
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 13: Pretend you trust them knowing that they are incompetent fools who will ultimately screw up! And when they do...BAM!!!!!! You will be all over them like stink on a skunk!!!! So go ahead, give them the “car keys” and lace up your best sneakers… It’s pouncing time my angry little Donkey- Boss student!!!! Proper pouncing shoes Is there a self-implode option? Go ahead…. I trust you. Hee-haw!
Company Cool-Aid Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 14: Make sure your employees feel very uncomfortable for not donating to the company’s optional charity program. Selecting the right person to lead the charity program will be a critical step in this process. Choose wisely, then sit back and enjoy the results! Company Cool-Aid It’s about people helping people… Let me think about it. Rorry! Bad Sharkie! Bad! Ok, I’m in for $20… hey there’s my stapler
Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 15: Judge everything they do…. Everything!!! This way you can make sure they know how incompetent they are. Tell them that you are helping them get better with your honest and constructive feedback. Then keep the low ratings and negative comments flowing strong, and watch the morale sink harder than the Titanic. Remember that encouragement leads to confidence, and confidence will most likely raise employee morale and engagement. That would be bad for your mission. Company Cool-Aid Company Cool-Aid -32
I so deserve this! Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 16: Get out of the office to relax sometimes. Dealing with peons all day is tough work. Besides, you have wild animal in your blood and need some freedom. Don’t feel guilty about your peons, there will be plenty of time to make them suffer later. Just smile to yourself knowing that they are stuck back at the office where they belong.
1 2 3 and kick! Cliff Notes: An Evil Mutant’s Guide For Terrorizing Employees and Creating Toxic Work Environments Chapter 16a: Better yet, spend a ton of the corporate budget on an Annual Leadership Development Retreat. This is a perfect opportunity to reward all your corporate spies. Make sure you tell all your lowly peons left back at the office that the purpose of the retreat is to become better leaders in order to create a healthier work environment for them. This will feel like a giant sledge hammer squashing their pathetic human spirits.
So there’s my short recap of a very long book. As you can see there are a lot of evil skills that the Donkey-Boss needed to master. And master them all he did. As painful as my work life has become due to his evil success, I still find it hard to hate him. I know he did not choose to be what he is. He was made this way. Maybe that’s why I refuse to give up hope. Call me naïve or overly optimistic, but I still believe I can defeat his evilness with kindness. Hug Your Boss Day! Hug Your Boss Day! Come get the sugar…. AND THE ATOMIC WEDGIE!!!! HEE-HAW!!! Good boss. BAD BOSS!!!
In the meantime I will do whatever it takes to survive. I still have my two best co- workers, Hope and Ty, fighting the good fight by my side. We always keep an eye out for each other. My dreams have all turned to nightmares, but I am sure what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger (and my shrink richer). $ JACK- POT!!! Let’s make it 5 visits per week!
And when things get too painful at work, I know I can always close my eyes and think of my great wife, and two amazing kids. Just like Superman gets his powers from the sun, I get my powers from my family. I know it’s only a matter of time before I find a way to derail Donkey- Boss’ evil mission and take down his evil puppet master, the evil mad scientist. Give me 50 peon! Neva Dout Annie Dout Noah Dout Spike
And that brings us to the purpose of you being here with me today. This is the day we will follow Donkey-Boss home and find out if my theory is true. I am sure we will find something that will give the proof we need. This is the only hope we have of stopping the evil mad scientist from destroying corporate cultures throughout the world. And yes, I drive a purple car, but it gets great gas mileage so back off Wapner, this is a judge free zone…. Shhhh! there he goes, hop in!
Wow! He lives in a mansion! It looks like evil pays well. As soon as he gets in and the gates close, we will climb the wall and see if we can spot anything that looks suspicious. HEE-HAW
Okay… it’s go time!
Holy smokes! For once I hate being right! Hand me the binoculars… I think I see our evil mad scientist.
BINGO! We found our target! Look at him sleeping on his hammock as his mutant goons landscape his yard! We got to shut down this evil tyrant! Quick! back to the car…..
I have an idea so crazy that it just might work!
Here we go…. Play ball you evil mutants!!!!
Nice! Looks like it’s working!
Uh-oh! He doesn’t look happy! Nooooooo!!!!!!!
Bye Bye Ball…. FOREVER! HaHaHaHa!!!!
Donkey-Boss looks like he is going to explode!!!! HaHaHaHa!!!! HaHaHaHa!!!! HaHaHaHa!!!!
AHHHH!!! HEE HAW!!!
AHHHH!!! Trampoline Junkyard
AHHHH!!! Trampoline Junkyard
Trampoline Junkyard Boing!!!
HEE HAW!!! Hee Haw indeed! Maybe there is hope after all….
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