Published on March 10, 2014
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Matrimonial sites are an amazing way to find and connect with your future spouse Insha’Allah... Although the majority of members who connect with each other through matrimonial sites are genuine people looking to find a spouse, there are always exceptions to the rule. Unfortunately a tiny minority of people have less than good intentions when they are online. So here are our top tips to ensure you stay safe in your search for a spouse: 1. Never EVER give your real name out There’s a reason why matrimonial sites allow you to choose usernames – for security and to protect your identity 2. No matter how genuine the other person seems to be, NEVER share your contact details with others. Once you have given away your phone number or address/email, then any fraudsters now have the perfect tool to harass you with. 3. Some scammers will work on building a relationship with you for several months to gain your trust. Then they will give you sob stories about a bad financial situation and will either directly or indirectly ask for money. No matter what happens, NEVER EVER give your bank details or send money to anyone – no matter what! You don’t owe anyone ANY favours whatsoever. People who make you feel bad about not sending them money are in fact emotionally blackmailing you. Avoid at all costs.
4. ALWAYS have your family involved at ALL times. We cannot stress this highly enough. Sisters in particular, ALWAYS try to have your wali involved in all your communications as an added security blanket for you. The truth is, men are very perceptive about other men, whereas Allah SWT has said that women are more emotional. Often your wali will pick up something that you might miss. The Ulemah unanimously agree that a marriage without a wali is invalid and Allah SWT knows best what is good for us. 5. NEVER take conversations off any matrimonial site. Once you do so, there is no record of anything, therefore no one can be held responsible for anything that may arise from this. Pure Matrimony is unique in that it monitors conversations to protect its members and to ensure the conversations remains halal and lawful. 6. It is always safer to avoid having your photos online on public display. The reality is that your picture could be downloaded and used for absolutely anything. The solution? Only ever share your picture with someone once you have established full compatibility and your wali is happy for you to share pictures. 7. NEVER arrange to meet someone in private WITHOUT your wali or family present. This is especially important for sisters who have to be extra mindful. Your safety always comes first. If for whatever reason you do not have family, then appoint someone to be your wali, or bring someone responsible with you. Meetings should always be in a very public place just in case. 8. NEVER give your bank details out. There is currently an online scam taking place which is becoming widespread through email and is now starting to filter through to matrimonial sites. Scammers will concoct a story about how they need to wire you a lot of money as a trust/amanah or that you are
somehow a beneficiary of a large amount of money and will ask you for your bank details to send you the money. This is 100% fake and you should NOT give your details to anyone ever. 9. Read between the lines Do they make fun of you? Are they belittling you in any way? Are they ‘demanding’ or insistent on their own point of view only? Do they impose their views on you? Are they making you feel bad and convincing you to let go of certain parts of your life? If so, this is a red flag of someone who has a controlling and manipulative nature. Marriages to people like this are rarely happy ones. Sisters in particular can feel trapped and the advice is always have your wali involved who may well pick up on this quickly. 10. Avoid the temptation to give away personal details that can single you out for a scam. For example, never allow people to think you are wealthy as you open yourself up for fraud. Don’t ever come across as being ‘desperate’ for marriage, as you are open and vulnerable then to attracting people who may want to take advantage of this 11.Avoid engaging in conversations with anyone looking to get residency in your Country It is NOT your job to help them, it’s their job to ensure they take the responsibility to apply for residency – and that includes completing paperwork AND paying the bills. Remember, you are not a means to an end or a ‘way in’ to your country. 12.Do your due diligence and RESEARCH! When you get to the point where families meet up and you come off a matrimonial site, then follow these simple rules to stay safe: a. Do your research into your prospective spouse b. Find out who their five closest friends are and see what they are like. This is because like attracts like, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "A person is likely to follow the faith
of his friend, so look whom you befriend." [reported by Abu Dawood & Tirmidhee] c. Get character references from their place of work or from neighbours and people who know them d. Avoid asking their immediate friends and family since they will be biased e. Always include your wali in any email communications, Skype communications or other communications f. Check Google, Facebook and social media – you’d be surprised what a simple Google search can reveal g. Look for the things which are more subtle such as their relationship with their family – if your prospective spouse has a poor relationship with his family, this should raise a red flag with you 13.Search with sincerity and faith Always check your intentions before you contact a member and remember to be polite, be yourself and above all, keep your faith in Allah SWT. If things do not work out with a particular member do not worry about it, and do not become angry, politely end the discussions and move on – whatever Allah decides for you will be the best insha’Allah.
Recommendations When Choosing a Matrimonial Site With literally dozens of new matrimonial services popping up daily, it’s hard to choose the right service which is going to help maximise your safety. Sisters in particular are always vulnerable and should never engage in conversations with a potential spouse without her family knowing – and certainly never without a wali. We really cannot stress this enough! It’s about YOUR security, YOUR safety and YOUR respect! If you don’t respect your own safety, then chances are the other person won’t either! As a practicing Muslim looking to get married, which sites should you be looking for and which should you avoid? Here’s our top tips: Choose a matrimonial site which doesn’t display your photos publicly as this instantly puts you at risk from bad characters and just encourages ‘window shopping’ Keep away from sites where the majority of the people on the site are NOT practising if you are. Although these sites market themselves as being for Muslims, they are more like dating sites. Avoid sites which don’t keep an eye on conversations! The Prophet SAW said that when a man and woman are alone, the third person is always shaytan (Bukhari), and this includes sites where men and women are freely conversing with one another Choose a matrimonial service which monitors all discussions and interactions so there’s an additional layer of security for the members Stay clear from sites which don’t allow you to include your wali into conversations, since this is a BIG cause of problems long term. It’s
not enough for your family to know you are looking to get married and have registered with a site – your wali should absolutely be included in the communications! Is the site taking an active interest in helping you achieve your religious duties? Are they helping to educate you? If not, then ask yourself the TRUE value of the site. Marriage is not just about the nikkah, it’s about staying together, avoiding haram and building a solid foundation for future generations. Choosing a matrimonial service should be straightforward process when you know what to look for and more importantly what to avoid! A site such as Pure Matrimony is perfect for practicing Muslims looking to get married in a safe, halal way, and where security is the number one priority. The Pure Matrimony website offers the following big benefits: Private profiles - Communication is encouraged based on Islamic values, personality and character rather than looks. You won’t catch any photos on Pure Matrimony until you have established compatibility with a prospective spouse. This has the big advantage of preventing ‘window shopping’ Wali Support - Your wali can be included in all correspondences with other members in real time, so they are fully involved in the process if you want them to be. Apart from fulfilling an Islamic right, having a wali can PREVENT you from becoming the victim of fraud online and is an additional security layer for you Enhanced Profile Moderation - Every profile is carefully checked to stop time wasters and those looking for ‘fun’ or dating, so your imaan is never compromised Discussions are Monitored and moderated to ensure the safety of our members and also because the Prophet SAW forbid us to be
in seclusion with members of the opposite gender. Keeping discussions monitored means your safety isn’t compromised and you can search for a spouse with confidence Shariah compliant - Endorsed by some of the largest Dawah organisations and most respected Sheikhs in the West Measurable Success - On average, three couples a week find their Pure Match, and of these, two people EVERY week go on to get married through Pure Matrimony Regular webinars and education is provided to our community on many marital and pre-marital issues
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