Published on February 3, 2009
How to laugh off the recession. 20 jokes to cure your recession blues.
Joke # 1 Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Joke # 2 A director decided to award a prize of Rs.1000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to Rs. 100.
Joke # 3 The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
Joke # 4 A man in the dress business called a friend, also in the dress business, and asked how things were going. “Couldn't be better," answered the friend. "Even with the recession, our sales are up 40 percent. My son, the lawyer, just won a big case. And his fee was a million dollars. My other son, the surgeon, was nominated for the Nobel Prize in medicine …" I'll phone you back later," the caller interrupted. "I didn't know you had someone with you."
Joke # 5 "I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe." - Jay Leno
Joke # 6 The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
Joke # 7 A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
Joke # 8 Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Joke # 9 Deft Definitions P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
Joke # 10 A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him. The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby. “Really?!?” replied the customer. “Absolutely,” said the broker, “ I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”
Joke # 11 Recession Bumper Sticker The recession is worse than a divorce. You lose half your fortune and still have your wife.
Joke # 12 JAY LENO’S QUIP The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'
Joke # 13 The Difference between Communism & Capitalism In communism we nationalise the banks and then push them to bankruptcy. In capitalism we push the bank to bankruptcy and then nationalise them.
Joke # 14 A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living. The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman.” The next child, a little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.” And so it went until one little boy said: “ My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.” The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject. Later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Little Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar. Little Johnny blushed and said, “No, he’s really a Business Development Director at Lehman Brothers, but I’m just too embarrassed to tell anyone.”
Joke # 15 What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
Joke # 16 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, a stockbroker, in Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, “ Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The broker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “ Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker – he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “ While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed.
Joke # 17 Q. Did you hear Goldman Sachs has a new cafeteria? A. It’s called the Warren buffet.
Joke # 18 A priest, a rabbi, and a mortgage broker were all caught in a shipwreck. Sharks were soon circling around. The sharks eat the priest. The rabbi starts praying fervently, but to no avail, as the sharks eat him as well. The mortgage broker is really getting worried, as a shark is coming for him. But instead the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off. The mortgage broker asks, “How come you didn’t eat me too?” And the shark replied, “Professional Courtesy!”
Joke # 19 Q: What’s the Capital of Iceland? A: About 70 cents.
Joke # 20 Your paycheck.
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