Published on March 31, 2014
FAST LOVE – ISSUE 01 CHARACTERS JOHN M. HEATS - protagonist character who goes speed dating - an average man who has been content in life up until now. He is averagely confident and dresses not-too-casual but never too smart. KEITH BELLOWS - flamboyant speed dating manager - dresses extravagantly with bright colours and walks with big and confident strides. MOLLY - first speed date for JOHN - she is fairly average but dresses as if she lives in five different decades. HOLLY - second speed date for JOHN - she is attractive, maybe a little too attractive for JOHN, and this makes him feel very awkward. She has long blonde hair and wears a pretty red short dress and has a little bit too much make-up on, though not overly excessive. She wears black high heels. POLLY - third speed date for JOHN - she is a mature woman, in her mid 60's, who dresses as if she thinks she can still pull 20 year old students at the local night club. DOLLY - fourth speed date for JOHN –she is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. A single mother with 3 kids in a house that‟s seen better days. She has turned to speed dating in a desperate attempt to find someone to share her load. DAVE - fifth speed date for JOHN - DAVE is a homosexual man, who wears motorbike leathers and a red bandana. He is quite flirtatious, often leaning forward to engage in conversations. JOHN is significantly awkward around him. SYNOPSIS JOHN M. HEATS (JOHN) is a lonely man looking for love. He ventures out one night to a speed dating session. Upon entering, he is reluctant - almost walking out - but KEITH BELLOWS, floor manager, draws him back in. During his time there, JOHN meets many diverse characters. However, he finds himself still without true love. £20 down, he returns home to his collection of cardboard cutouts of himself [This will act as our narrative twist to end the short film]. EXT. OUTSIDE JOHN‟S HOUSE – EVENING JOHN has just left his house and is walking to the speed dating venue. He looks slightly forlorn and as though something is missing, though this emotion shouldn‟t be projected to the extreme. A non-diegetic score – with an eerie
piano feel – is playing. At this point, still titles are fading in and out, displaying cast and crew names. JOHN [Voice-over] [Slightly slow and thoughtful] I‟ve never been the sort of man to do something like this. To be fair, I‟ve always been a bit cynical about the idea. It‟s just another thing I could do without. I‟m going to pay money to participate in a load of shit. An abstract idea personified by physical acts and gestures. Being 33 is an interesting age: halfway between nightclub sensation and living with 7 cats. That‟s what it feels like anyway. JOHN now has the speed-dating venue in sight. JOHN [Voice-over] [With a hint of anxiousness] Right, this must be it. EXT. OUTSIDE SPEED DATING HALL - EVENING JOHN approaches the speed-dating hall. He reaches for the door handle, and moves into the building. INT. SPEED DATING HALL – EVENING Realising the event has already begun, he checks his watch to see he is two minutes late. He walks forward two steps before KEITH BELLOWS approaches him. KEITH [Enthusiastically] Ah hello there! My name is Keith. I assume you‟re here for the speed dating... or as we like to call it: „Spating‟. [Turns round to address speed daters] Don‟t we girls? No response. KEITH [Turns back to JOHN] Ah, we do. JOHN looks hesitant and considers telling KEITH he‟s in the wrong building. JOHN [Reluctantly] Yeah... yeah I am, yeah. KEITH
[In a high voice] Fabulous. [Normal voice] We‟ll get you seated right away at a spare table, or a spable [he chuckles to himself and quickly glances over his shoulder]. JOHN remains a little reluctant KEITH Okay then, right this way. KEITH rings the bell. JOHN is shown over to a table. JOHN is seated opposite Molly. MOLLY [Upbeat] Hello. Hi. This is exciting isn‟t it? JOHN [Matter of fact attitude] I‟m an engineer. And a homeowner. MOLLY [Negatively surprised] Well that‟s great. How- JOHN [Interrupts] When I was younger I always thought I‟d be a pilot. Never quite worked out though. MOLLY [Clearly doesn‟t know what she‟s taking about – grammatical error is intentional] I personally don‟t agree with planes, that much emissions is bad. JOHN emits an agitated groan. Then tries to change the subject before he gets angry. JOHN I quite like art myself MOLLY [Eagerly] Ah brilliant me too, but I feel like all the money people spend on it could help the environment more, like the ice caps. JOHN lets out another painful groan, but this time buries his face in his hands aswell. The scene has now cut to John talking to the second speed dater, HOLLY. JOHN
VOICEOVER [Talking to himself] Right, come on Johnny boy. It‟s time for a game changer, time to let them know who‟s the daddy, you‟ve got this. JOHN [Confidently] You‟re extremely pretty. HOLLY [Smugly] Well, many people do say so. John smiles.There is a short awkward pause. JOHN I‟m a fireman, and a homeowner. HOLLY That‟s great. I work in an office. I hate it.All those lonely old men always hitting on me. JOHN So how come you‟re here? If you‟re this attractive, why do you come to these crappy events? As JOHN says this line, the camera pans down from a side-view of the table to reveal a MICROPHONE sitting underneath. CUT TO INT. Keith‟s Secret Office – Evening KEITH is sat with HEADPHONES on and a CARTON OF FRUIT JUICE in his right hand. JOHN‟s previous line repeats, causing KEITH‟s facial expression to turn into that of shock, crushing his JUICE through anger. INT. Speed Dating Hall - Evening JOHN There must be something wrong with you! Do you have severe athlete‟s foot as well? HOLLY What? No! JOHN Me neither, why are you mentioning athlete‟s foot? CUT TO INT. John‟s Bathroom – Daytime
Camera show aframed CERTIFICATE for „Worst Case of Athlete‟s Foot 2013‟. CUT BACK TO INT. Speed Dating Hall - Evening The scene will now switch to John’s third date, POLLY. POLLY [POLLY has a CIGARETTE in her mouth, she speaks with a reasonably gruff voice] You alright there sweetheart? JOHN looks mildly uncomfortable. JOHN I am, I am. And how are you? POLLY Oh I‟m just fine, my love. KEITH leans in from off-screen and removes the CIGARETTE from her mouth. KEITH No speed-smoking. He leans back off-screen before quickly re-appearing. KEITH [Having just had a brainwave] Spoking! Or spoking. He lingers for a second to see their reactions. There is none. He goes off-screen once more, wounded. POLLYattempts to rest her palm on JOHN‟s hand, but he pulls back just in time. JOHN Enjoying yourself? POLLY [Grinning] More so now I‟ve seen your lovely face! POLLY can tell JOHN isn‟t too keen. POLLY So, what do you do for a living? JOHN I‟m a rugby player.And a homeowner.
POLLY [Suggestively] So you‟ve got nice strong arms then? JOHN I have yes. Watch this. JOHN tries his hardest to lift the table from his side, though fails. JOHN Yep, that‟s solid oak. CUT TO INT. Keith‟s Secret Office – Evening KEITH is still listening into the conversation via HEADPHONES, though this time is just piercing the foil on a new CARTON OF JUICE. As JOHN‟s last line repeats through the HEADPHONES, his facial expression shows anger once more and he crushes the JUICE yet again. KEITH Mahogany! CUT BACK TO INT. Speed Dating Hall - Evening POLLY I do like a man with strong arms. JOHN [Looking smug with himself] Me too. A short pause. JOHN Wait! The scene will now switch to John’s fourth date, DOLLY. JOHN is sat at the next table on his own. After a short wait, DOLLY sits down opposite him, sounding flustered. DOLLY Hi, sorry I‟m late, I had to wait for the babysitter. JOHN Ah, it‟s fine! I know how it is!
DOLLY Oh, do you have children? JOHN [Slightly hesitantly]… No. But I am in the army! As well as being a homeowner. DOLLY [Tearing up] My husband was a homeowner! [Getting worse] That was before he left us, and stopped talking to the kids. DOLLY raises her hands in front of her face. DOLLY [Beginning to cry] It‟s just so… hard. DOLLY is now crying. JOHN reaches out to place his hand on her shoulder, awkwardly. JOHN Hey now, it‟s alright. JOHN looks around, as if to escape. JOHN [Quietly] I‟ll just get Keith. [Turning to his right] Keith? Camera pans to the left to reveal KEITH sat, crossed-legged, beside him. KEITH Yes? The scene will now switch to John’s fifth date, DAVE. DAVE sits down opposite JOHN. DAVE Hey there! JOHN Oh, hi. I guess there must have been a mistake. What do we do? Do we ju- DAVE interrupts him. DAVE What do you mean?
JOHN Well… It‟s just… I‟m not uh… I‟m not actually gay. DAVE [He groans] Ugh, I hate these pre-conceived notions. Gay, straight, they‟re all just labels and I hate labels! He picks up his BOTTLE OF COKE and drinks from it. The label has clearly been ripped off. JOHN Umm… but I‟m just… uhh… well I‟m just saying that I‟m not… gay- DAVE Is anybody really gay? I mean, what even is „gay‟? JOHN [Becoming frustrated] Yes. You are, you are literally gay. DAVE [Annoyed] UGH! Dave pushes his chair back over dramatically, however he goes quite far and knocks KEITH over. KEITH says nothing except a slight squeal as it happens. The scene will now switch back to JOHN and MOLLY. MOLLY Did you know that in the last 10 years the average temperature of the Earth has risen by 0.3 degrees? JOHN [Bored and sarcastic] No I didn‟t, tell me moooore. MOLLY [Enthusiastic] Ok! Did you know tha- JOHN NO JOHN gets up and walks away without saying another word. The scene will now cut back to JOHN and HOLLY. HOLLY Chanel or Gucci? JOHN I‟m a lasagne man myself.
HOLLY looks at JOHN with a face of disgust. The scene will now cut back to JOHN and POLLY. POLLY I must say you don‟t look much like a professional rugby player. JOHN Aah… it‟s because I‟m injured POLLY Oooh you poor dear, do you need a massage? JOHN Noooooo, no nonothankyou The scene will now cut back to JOHN and DOLLY. Dolly is in a flood of emotions, crying with her head on the table. John reaches over the table, about to put his hand on her shoulder. He decides against it and slowly gets up and walks away from the table. The scene will now cut back to JOHN and DAVE There is an awkward pause, and JOHN glances at his watch. JOHN [Attempting to act well] Oh look at the time, you know I really should be going. DAVE We‟ve still got 53 seconds left. JOHN Look, I think you‟ve got the wrong end of the stick here… DAVE I‟ll get whatever end of the stick you want me to. JOHN [Emphasis on “That‟s”] Well that‟s inappropriate. John gets up and walks away from the table, then glances up at the clock, he then proceeds to walk out the front door, heading home. KEITH sees him exiting and quickly runs to stop him but is too late, JOHN is gone.
KEITH [Distraught] No! We‟ve got 7 now! Its odd! [Now on his knees, banging the floor with each syllable] Its! OOOOOODDDDDDD! KEITH stands up, looking defeated. There is a short silence, as KEITH breathes heavily, coming to terms with the loss of JOHN. DAVE [Trying to lighten the mood] Well isn‟t that… Odd KEITH [Angrily and without remorse] NOT NOW DAVE! EXT. Street leading to his home – Evening JOHN [VOICE-OVER] Well that was a bloody disaster! I don‟t know why I even bothered. I‟ve never needed love before and I sure as hell don‟t need it now. I‟ve got all I need waiting for me at home. He‟ll never leave me. INT. John‟s Home – Evening JOHN enters his home and removes his coat. Throwing his KEYS on the side, he enters his bedroom. The camera is now looking directly at JOHN, face-on. JOHN Hey, good lookin‟, sorry I‟ve not been home, I was a little busy. But I‟m all yours now. Cut to a shot of a CARDBOARD CUT-OUT of JOHN stood beside the bed, a smile beaming on his face. JOHN Don‟t be like this babe. I‟m back now! Cut to JOHN lying on his back on his bed, facing the ceiling, his hands on his stomach. JOHN I don‟t have time for love. It‟s just too much hassle, trying to impress people, y‟know? JOHN looks to his left, as the camera pans over to the CARDBOARD CUT-OUT lying beside him, also facing up. Showing the exact same expression as earlier.
JOHN [Relaxed] Ahh, you always know just what to say. JOHN rolls over and switches off the light.
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