Deccan Chronicle Chennai July 19

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Information about Deccan Chronicle Chennai July 19

Published on July 20, 2009

Author: hiyer


DC CHENNAI Sunday 19 July 2009 23 relationships Cheating Harish Iyer Parenthesis HEARTS Have you been betrayed by your My mom accepted my sexuality spouse and don’t know what to do next? Take heart and don’t blame your- HARISH IYER self for the situation. It will only lead E very child goes through a phase to a whirlpool of guilt and despair. where he/she has to convince his/her parents of their choices — WHAT TO DO WHEN HE However, acceptance does from careers to partners. But for me, it STRAYS not mean resignation or liking was a different ball game altogether – I ◗ Ask if you’ve been what has occurred. It simply had to tell them about my homosexuality MCT neglecting aspects means recognition and – an issue that parents are not prepared to that he may have been acknowledgement of the truth handle. It needs to be tackled with tact. persistently asking for. — albeit unpleasant! After Fortunately, when I confessed to my ◗ Is the bond that has acceptance, thinking through mom that I was attracted to men, instead developed with the other – alternatives of what you’d like of opposition, I was met with sympathy. emotional or simply sexual to do to tackle the loss of faith She seemed to think that my homosexual- or both? needs to be addressed. There ity stemmed from the fact that I’d been ◗ What would you attribute are no generalised rules. It is sexually abused as a child. But what sur- his behaviour to? Get to the each to his own. An under- prised me was that she had an inkling of bottom of what he’s trying to standing of your requirements my sexual tendencies before I’d told her. say. and that they can be quite dif- Apparently she had been keeping a watch here — but assuming that peo- ferent from another is impera- on me when I visited gay dating web- DR VARKHA CHULANI ple indulging in such behav- COPING WITH BETRAYAL tive. Some may prefer the road sites. But she wanted to help me realise iour have goals of remaining One of the most common of forgiveness, others may that this was a repercussion of the abuse O f course I’m commit- passionately and intimately things people do when they are choose to leave, yet others I’d faced and believe that if I worked ted! This one-night- involved with the chosen one betrayed is to have a tendency might want to teach their part- towards being in a relationship with a stand is nothing but and who claim that they’re to blame themselves. Incessant ners a lesson. Whatever the woman, I would turn straight. lust.” Haven’t you emotionally bonded to that self-put downs, with a ‘what route, remind yourself of one She wanted me to settle down with a heard that before — where the one, would they choose to did I do to deserve this’ atti- essential ingredient — how wife and kids. But new-age philanderer is trying gratify their yearnings? And if tude solves nothing and will this choice impact me? when she realised the to validate his/her actions and so, what effects would their instead puts you in a whirlpool toll that this decision MOM coming up with credos where lustful romps have on their of despair and guilt. Accepting Dr Varkha Chulani is a psy- would take on me, THOUGHT I he/she believes that if they’re personal and intimate life? the truth is the first step chologist with Lilavati she accepted my emotionally attached and com- Plus in the long haul, would it towards empowerment. Hospital, Mumbai homosexuality. Her COULD GET mitted to their partner, there’s no big deal about a hold good for cherished and intimate relations — acceptance was what really mattered to RID OF roll in the hay? But are extra-mari- WHEN that would entirely depend on what Mamma Mia me. I have dealt with my sexual abuse all HOMO- SEXUALITY tal relations only about one-night BETRAYED each ‘valued’. a But what can by myself. But the fact that my family stands? Or do they MOPING couple do when accepted my choices gave me that extra often transgress into bonds that are deeper IS NOT faced with infideli- ty? It really depends boost. While I’ve never discussed things with my father, he too, in his own quiet and not merely sexu- THE on how partners way, has been supportive of me. And al? Humans by disposi- SOLUTION define commitment and what they value thankfully, so has my extended family. Of course, my being in the media glare tion are polygamous the most in their and the fact that Onir is making a film — it is our learning and train- union. Sure it can be devastat- based on my life, Abhimanyu, is not ing about decency, moral val- ing but instead of moping something my family can easily digest. ues, and ethics that yokes our around, it would be better if My parents feel uncomfortable about my proclivities. So a philanderer they took stock of the situation being so open about my homosexuality, actually is expressing only his and tried to work their way but they realise that it is my life to lead. ‘natural’ biological self. And around it. Being honest has only made my relation- having been reared in a society ship better with my parents. that believes that unfaithful- WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE For quite some time I didn’t even go to ness equates ‘sin’ and is a STRAYS work. I just kept studying further, only reflection of a characterless ◗ Ask what are the reasons for because I feared facing the reality. This individual, gives explanations this behaviour. did cause my parents a lot of heartache, for his covetous ways so that ◗ Are you being able to meet for even as a 23-year-old, I didn’t have a he/she may feel less guilt-rid- her requirements? If not, are job. But once I came out into the open, den. So in a way, being you willing to? life suddenly became easier. My career monogamous is hard, very ◗ Is this a cry of help, an graph has been on the rise and I’m a hard. anguish that she cannot much happier person now. The issue isn’t about morality express verbally? As told to Ranjani Rajendra MCT

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