Baratunde Explains The Onion At SXSW Web Awards Open

Baratunde Thurston Ceremonial Master 1

o Tu stultus es. 2

history 3

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T. Herman Zweibel Editor-in-Chief, 1896 - 2001 5

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NEWS o the ONION ® # VOLUME 37 ISSUE 01 AMERICA’S FINEST NEWS SOURCE ™ 18–24 JANUARY 2001 Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’ Chinese Guy Still Insisting It Was Him WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from In Front Of That Tank assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, presi- see WORLD page 4A dent-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.” “My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprece- dented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace see BUSH page 8 Corpse-Reanimation Denny’s Introduces ‘Just A Technology Still 10 Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat’ Years Off, Say MIT see FOOD page 3C Mad Scientists Date With Proctologist Above: President-elect Bush vows that “together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us.” CAMBRIDGE, MA—Dead-tissue reani- Ends Predictably mation, projected in the 1980s to be standard medical practice by 2001, Rural Nebraskan Not Sure He Could won’t be possible for at least another see LOCAL page 10D decade, scientists STATshot at the Massachu- Handle Frantic Pace Of Omaha setts Institute of A look at the numbers that shape your world. Technology’s Mad Science Research NORTH PLATTE, NE—Lifelong Center announced North Platte resident Fred Linder, 46, Monday. revealed Monday that he doesn’t think “They laughed he could cope with the fast-paced hustle when we said we and bustle of Omaha, the Cornhusker would rekindle the State’s largest city. divine spark of life “Oh, sure, I bet it’d be exciting at first, in flesh grown cold and lifeless,” said MIT O going to see 9 p.m. showings of movies, mad scientist Dr. Otto Von Verruchtheit, shopping at those big department the nation’s leading corpse-reanimation stores, and maybe even eating at one of expert, speaking from the castle that hous- those fancy restaurants that doesn’t use es the MSRC’s state-of-the-art corpse- Politics iceberg lettuce in their salads,” Linder reanimation laboratory. “Oh, how they said.“But I just don’t think I could put up laughed! They said we were mad to Above: North Platte resident Fred Linder. with all that hub-bub for more than a attempt such an unholy ambition by the day or two.” time spiritual leader of North Platte’s century’s end. Fools! Fools, all of them! 9 Added Linder: “And parking’s a night- Holy Christ Almighty Church. However, in this case, they were actually THE ONION

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Where people get their news This week, Gallup/Onion pollsters asked 10,000 people where they heard 2% 1% 0% about the story: 97% The Onion™ Cable News Network News Other News Sites Blogs O The Onion 13

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch O The Onion 14

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch 6.0 4.5 3.0 1.5 0 Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity O The Onion 14

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch 6.0 4.5 3.0 1.5 0 Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity O The Onion 14

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch 6.0 4.5 3.0 1.5 0 Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity O The Onion 14

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch 6.0 4.5 3.0 1.5 0 Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity O The Onion 14

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch 6.0 4.5 3.0 1.5 0 Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity O The Onion 14

Journalistic integrity Onion NYT WaPo CNN TechCrunch 6.0 4.5 3.0 1.5 0 Data provided by U.S. Dept. Of Integrity O The Onion 14

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quot;Some small American newspapers frequently fabricate offbeat news to trick people into noticing them with the aim of making money.quot; 20

February 18, 2004 21

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Onion News Network Video 23

o You are dumb. 24