Attraction Love Intimacy

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Information about Attraction Love Intimacy

Published on December 1, 2008

Author: aSGuest4592


ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY, MARRIAGE & DIVORCE : ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY, MARRIAGE & DIVORCE Love Lust Attraction Chemistry Intimacy Friendship Romance Passion Slide 2: INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS Filial Siblings Friends Couple Parent Grandparent/great-grandparent Slide 3: Long-term couple Most people end up in a marriage (90%) 40% end in divorce Key ingredient of all long-term relationships: intimacy emotional intimacy: attachment, trust, openness, vulnerability (exclusivity) physical intimacy: sensual or sexual? Slide 4: Roots of emotional intimacy: primary relationship(s) with caretaker(s). Erik Erikson: trust vs. mistrust Mary Ainsworth: attachment style (secure or insecure) Slide 5: ATTRACTION: What makes us feel attracted to another person? familiarity propinquity (geographical closeness) complementarity (opposites attract) similarity (birds of a feather…) looks (especially for women) income, profession, status, power (especially for men) common values: long term personality: short and long term Slide 6: Sociobiology: The purpose of attraction is to propagate the species, transmission of genetic material. Attractive characteristics are those that maximize survival of the species. Women: young and healthy, physical attractiveness highly correlated. Males: good providers, tall and strong and with obvious material means. Slide 7: Marriage? Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not about two people in love. The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the group by forming alliances with other groups. Through the ages, marriage was an economic and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual defence and enough people to produce wealth, work the land, exchange goods. Husband and wife depended on each other to run the family enterprise, neither could do it alone. Slide 8: Marriage? Was not a religious ceremony but rather a symbolic formality (different symbols in different societies: eating together, exchanging gifts, etc.) or even a private agreement. Often marriage used to forge peace or non-aggression agreements. From Middle Ages onward, slow changes toward more emotional bonds. Women first considered man’s property, then helpmeet and support. Slide 9: Marriage? Most important source of social security, medical care and economic support and survival. Being so important for so many people, marriages were not decided by the man and woman alone based on attraction. Love and lust were abundant, but unrelated to marriage. Slide 10: Industrial Revolution: gradual increase in value of the individual, their needs and goals, as opposed to needs and goals of family and community only. Women traded housekeeping, child-bearing and rearing, and sexual satisfaction of their husbands for financial security. Good wife: good cook and housekeeper, defers to husband, loyal, good mother. Good husband: NOT drunkard, gambler, womanizer, violent. (But: rule of thumb). Slide 11: Factors that helped usher the love marriage: industrialization: individual has more value affluence: less dependence on family literacy: romantic novels later, movies increased longevity secularization women financially independent lower birth rate Slide 12: 19th century: W. Europe and N. America accept new view: husbands as providers and wives as nurturing homemakers. But only by the 1950s could a family survive on only one salary. Love based marriage means that if love fizzles, the couple need not stay together: rise of divorce. Slide 13: Expectations are high: love passion friendship mutual liking and appreciation sharing many interests companionship intimacy commitment equal participation economic partnership Disappointments also tend to be high. Slide 14: Ability to have long-term, satisfying relationships is related to identity development. Four identity types: identity achieving moratorium diffuse foreclosed Slide 15: Individuals in identity achieving: self knowledge ability to focus on each other (not self-absorbed) sensitive to partner’s feelings and needs good communication equal power good conflict management stable relationship Slide 16: Partners with foreclosed identity: settled early, no search for alternatives accept everything from older generation rigid stable relationships if no change many couples who married in the 50s with foreclosed identities are divorcing now Slide 17: Partners in moratorium identity: identity in crisis self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to partner’s emotional needs alternate between avoidance and engagement unstable relationship Slide 18: Partners with diffuse identity: mutual dependency not trying to achieve separate identities rely on each other for self-definition make excessive demands on partner threatened if one attempts independence communication vague repression of conflict and hostility very susceptible to external pressures: adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, arrival of children Slide 19: TYPES OF INTIMACY Mutual intimacy: commit part of self to union but retain individuality strong degree of commitment equal sharing of power high levels of communication same basic values accurate perception of partner’s needs good conflict resolution Slide 20: Pseudointimacy: interaction at superficial level low level of true communication conflict avoidance rather than resolution can last if mutually convenient can have similar values Merger: one dominant partner, one submissive can last if values remain same rigid roles relate in stereotyped ways low awareness of partner’s emotional needs Slide 21: MARRIAGE: Young adulthood (20-45) Conflict (Erikson): Independence/loneliness vs Intimacy/loss of freedom Slide 22: Advantages: intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) interdependence (sharing resources and tasks) belongingness (Maslow) shared parenting continuity (memories, habits) shared identities (partial) men: better mental, physical health, longevity Slide 23: Disadvantages: constraints of shared decisions loss of privacy need to accept other’s habits, quirks responsibilities women: double shift, others come first Slide 24: TYPES OF MARRIAGE: Traditional Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners) Contemporary Subjective perceptions differ from objective assessments: partners tend to see equality where outside observers don’t. Slide 25: COHABITATION: More common today: POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters Young adults: “courtship”, usually precedes marriage Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorced Slide 26: SAME SEX COUPLES: Men: Relatively low % monogamous Women: Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy common Slide 27: DIVORCE: 40% Canada, 50% U.S. Correlates with: immature identity pseudointimacy women good income less social stigma age of marriage social context expectations Slide 28: “Costs” of divorce: children affected – Wallerstein: into 30’s, affected their intimate relationships and self-esteem increase in physical illness increase in mental illness decreased income, standard of living for women: men’s available income increases by 47%, women’s decreases by 74%. Why? women lower income most women keep the children but 50% of fathers do not pay support despite court order Slide 29: Divorce incidence by religious group, in descending order: None Protestant Catholic Jewish Slide 30: When is divorce more likely to happen? Within first seven years. Increasingly, in middle age, either during kids’ adolescence (lowest marital satisfaction reported) or in the empty nest period. New trend: older couples, long past the parental stage. Influence of greater life expectancy. Slide 31: Some correlates: pregnancy before marriage young (under 23) at marriage cohabitation before marriage poverty no religion Longitudinal study with elderly couples: Selective memory of conflict – if they stay together by their 80s declare a happy marriage all along. Forget divorce attempts, fights, etc. Slide 32: Widowhood More than half women over 65 are widows. Only 15% men over 65 are widowers. Varying time for grieving: personality, coping mechanisms previous losses happy or unhappy marriage Slide 33: Unhappy spouses: longer grieving sanctification Recoupling: higher for men Widows who are financially OK enjoy life after acute grief over. More time to self. No longer “in purdah”.

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