Published on October 16, 2012
Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance Edge-Aggressive-Reliable-Trust-Honesty-Soft-Obedient-Fun-TransparentContact – firstname.lastname@example.org Making earth little softer
Index • Objective • To do • Behavior skills - Tools, Techniques & TIPS • Definition • Test your assertiveness • Types • Practice • Importance • Demonstration • Rules • Develop • Rights & • Quize responsibilities • Summary Making earth little softer
Objective By the end of this course, participants will • What is assertive behavior • To distinguish assertive behavior • To be aware of the situations in which they find it difficult to be assertive • To know how to be assertive when making and dealing with requests • To have ways of dealing with aggressive people • To draw own action plans for developing greater assertiveness over time Making earth little softer
Behavior Skills • Decision Making • Assertiveness • Negotiation skills - Mission Analysis • Communication • Leadership • Attitude - Adaptability/Flexibility • Problem Solving - Situational Awareness Making earth little softer
Behavior Skills Human factors where errors occur • Complacency • Distraction • Fatigue • Pressure / Stress • Norms • Lack of • Communication • Awareness & Knowledge • Teamwork • Resources • Assertiveness Making earth little softer
Advocacy An advocate is someone who is willing to stand up by own or beside someone in support of their need / right An advocate speaks on behalf of: themselves; another person; or a group Advocacy Skills • To defend a right or ask a favor on behalf of yourself or others using : • Right language, Right method • Right time, Right place • Right person who can respect the right or grant the favor Making earth little softer
SymptomsDo people take advantage of you often?Are you “volunteered” to drive?Do you pay more than your share of expenses?Do others use your things without asking?Do you say nothing about such situations?If this sounds like you need to take a look atyour assertiveness. Why?Unhappiness, frustration & anger oftenaccompany a lack of assertiveness. Beingassertive, you can serve better in manysituations : at work, home, with customers,etc Making earth little softer
Being Assertive Adopting a behavior that increases the likelihood of achieving your goal..While Preserving your and others rights Acting ethically Making earth little softer
Assertiveness • Say what you mean, mean what you say! • It is ability to honestly express your needs, opinions, feelings, attitudes, beliefs & rights that is respectful, open, honest, with the dignity & without violating rights of others. • It means to be positive and confident, is the willingness to actively participate, the ability to state and maintain individual position • It begins by being aware that you are a worthy person created by GOD, having very own unique combination of qualities. Making earth little softer
Assertiveness • It allows to get your point across respectfully & honestly expressing thoughts & feelings while commanding dignity & respect from others • It is observed in your say, behaviors & actions • Assertive behavior enables a person to act in their own best interest & advocate for themselves with confidence, honesty & comfortably exercising personal rights without denying the rights of others. • It is the healthy alternative to both passiveness and aggressiveness Making earth little softer
Assertiveness Assertive people • are brave • respect self and others • own their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas • openly and honesty state their feelings • understand the possible consequences of assertiveness • know when and how to be assertive Making earth little softer
Assertiveness • Is not the same as aggressive behavior. • Aggressive behavior enhances self at the expense of others. • Assertiveness produces positive outcomes for all; aggressive acts result in negative outcomes. Making earth little softer
Attributes of assertiveness Encompasses Situations Requiring Assertiveness•Willingness to make decisions •Pre-Mission Brief•Demonstrating Initiative •Mission Execution /Courage to act •Post-Mission Brief•Maintaining positions until completely convinced by facts Behavior•Provide Relevant information •Maintain Position When without being asked Challenged•Make Suggestions, Ask •State Positions on decisions Questions /procedures•Confront Ambiguities •Refuse unreasonable request Making earth little softer
Attributes of assertiveness Barriers Overcoming Barriers •Rank differences •Get attention of •Position authority receiver •Lack of experience •Use active verbs /New to unit •State your concerns •Coercion •Offer a solution, •Lack of confidence Recommend action •Ask for feedback Rule of Thumb - If a disagreement exists, take the most conservative action until more information is available. Making earth little softer
What is Assertiveness? • When you are assertive, generally you don‟t follow others blindly. You think for yourself. If someone is trying to hurt you, or lead you into trouble, or influence you to do something wrong, you protect yourself. • You show strength not to let others hurt you or influence you in negative ways. • Assertiveness is expressing your own ideas, opinions, concerns & talents. You serve the world in your own special way correctly using the gift you have! Making earth little softer
Types• Passive means letting people violate your rights and not doing anything about it.• Aggressive means getting what you want while violating the rights of others.• Assertive means standing up for yourself without violating the rights of others. Assertiveness is more mature, effective & powerful tool Making earth little softer
Passive • Try to avoid conflict & confrontation • Hide personal needs • May get easily hurt leading to frustration • Allow people to push when you do not stand up • Others likely to take advantage • Would rather ignore their own needs & feelings than confront a problem in relationships. • Want peace at any price, often pay the price • These people, too, have problems with anger. They are afraid of it and eliciting the other person‟s anger. Sometimes, however follow subtle ways of retaliating of making others “pay”. Making earth little softer
Aggressive • Makes sure everyone knows his opinions, often does not allow others to voice their opinions • Accomplish short term goals intimidating others • Let others feel anger & hostility toward aggressor • This involves fighting, blaming, accusing, threatening and disregard for peoples feelings • They regularly assume an “attack position”; feel an urgent need to get their way, to “win”. • The other person becomes the enemy, whose rights and feelings are completely disregarded. • Benefit is this person doesn‟t get pushed around Cost is few want to be around someone like this Making earth little softer
Assertive • Direct and clear, yet relaxed and approachable • They understand, do not force their opinions • Utilize eye contact & relaxed gestures • Feel more confident, believe in abilities, more liked & respected • Have less stress & achieve their goals • Does not let people control, take a stand & express true feelings • Using an assertive communication style is helpful in reducing depression, anger & anxiety. • Assertiveness skills also enhance self-esteem, lower stress and help you feel more in control Making earth little softer
Without assertiveness If we are passive : • React to the things & would let others boss us • Others would tell what to do/think. We would not figure out what we want, need or think. • Your special way of being yourself however thinking would remain unexpressed If you are assertive • Others respect you. • You are offering true ideas & feelings, protecting from things that might harm you • You choose what to do for your own reasons Making earth little softer
Effects of non-assertiveness • Personal costs • Frustration, anxiety and stress • Poor self esteem • Effects on service • Standards compromised • Inefficiency and unnecessary costs • Team costs • Unresolved conflicts • Blame game & non-cultural activities • Individuals taking advantage • Unacceptable conduct Making earth little softer
Cycle of failure NON-ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR MISSED GOALS LACK OF CONFIDENCE DAMAGED SELF ESTEEM & CREDIBILITY Making earth little softer
AdvantageBeing assertive allows you• To say what you want to say in a healthy, positive way• To resolve conflict successfully• To keeping your relationships healthy & happyOthers will be more apt to help to achieve yourgoals if they consider you to be a respectful andhonest person Making earth little softer
Cycle of success ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR GOALS CONFIDENT ACHIEVED SELF ESTEEM & CREDIBILITY ENHANCED Making earth little softer
Difficult situations Chosen Conflict Resolution Behavior Un-thoughtful Conflict Resolution? Actions Think about Communicate Take all right 1 2 3 & Convince stakeholders actions Making earth little softer
Possible reactions • May be based on... • Personality • Emotions • Confidence • Culture & background • Health • Personal circumstances Making earth little softer
Chosen behaviour • May be based on: • What we want to achieve • Respect for our and others rights • Our feelings • Empathy • Understanding the facts • Seeking solutions, not blame • Building long term relationships Making earth little softer
How to be assertive • Say “no” to unreasonable expectations • Paraphrase what others have stated to you • Regognize and respect the rights of others • Use appropriate tone of voice. • Use “i” statements to express self • Effective assertions require an expression & apt spontaneous message • Judgment is needed to select an appropriate occasion • Avoid putting down /striping the other person (aggressive) to express feelings (assertive). • To seek counseling to be assertive Making earth little softer
Key rules • Know what you want & when, be specific • Short term & Long term • Behaviour • Do what you say • Control emotions • Count to ten, meditate for a while • Express your emotions as appropriate • Understand the issues • Focus on facts, not assumptions or opinions • Active listening, Empathise and demonstrate it • Understand issue clearly from other‟s perspective • Show personal commitment and responsibility • Be positive, offer solution firmly, Be assertive Making earth little softer
FocusAssertiveness focuses on:• Specific problem behavior of other person...It is to be stated objectively, without blaming or reading the intentions• To avoid negative feelings…it creates the problem for you e.g. an “I” message like “I feel hurt /upset / used.”• The request for a specific change...to brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions• Result...when the change is (or is not) put in place Making earth little softer
To do – Tools, Techniques, TIPS Assertiveness is a learned skill & to be practiced in low-risk & safe situations. It can be by cautious and continuous practice • Choose right time & place to discuss issue involving all stake holders • To decide what you want and do not want. Be direct, Use “I” statements, • Content : be specific, spontaneous, genuine and direct, Describe the facts & share your opinions and beliefs Making earth little softer
To do – Tools, Techniques, TIPS • To confirm your request, express what you would like to happen making requests specific. • To describe positive consequences that will be happen, State intentionin order to take care of yourself if your wishes are not accommodated. • To acknowledge & notice your feelings & share your feedback about other person • Respect everyone you would expect in return • To avoid developing assertiveness debating a topic with a crowd. You may become more aggressive or passive in the process. Making earth little softer
To do – Tools, Techniques, TIPS • To think simple & straight, Take ownership • Be honest & direct about your feelings, needs & beliefs, while giving/receiving feedback • To sort out the problem or change you want. • Keep your goal in mind. Think of how best to arrive at the change. • Complimenting a person‟s good qualities before pointing out negative aspect of their behavior can defuse defensiveness. • Angry confrontation usually doesn‟t work in the long run without creating resentment. Making earth little softer
To do – Tools, Techniques, TIPS • Don‟t give up – Learn to be assertive in communication. It takes practice! • State your viewpoint without being hesitant or apologetic, stay politely, speak clearly & firmly directly to specific individuals. • Never make yourself vulnerable, keep cool • Be reasonable in your requests • Don‟t let others impose their values/ideas • Encourage others to be clear and direct • Be aware of body posture, maintain eye contact, stand firm, match facial expressions Making earth little softer
To do – Tools, Techniques, TIPS Consider the situation Bring effectiveness •To understand situation •Listen & communicate •Cultural difference •Be clear in your say •What is established & •A level, well - modulated liked statement Avoid absolutes Don’t hurt others •Try to avoid words like •Express respectfully always, never, every, •Don‟t adopt my way •Be specific to the “highway” attitude situation •Be confident & •To avoid judgments approachable Making earth little softer
Components of Assertive Behavior Basic Assertive RightsFreedom of opinion & To say, “ I don‟texpression understand”To be independent, To make mistakes takingjudge or justify behavior the responsibilityTo change your mind To feel & express angerTo say, “ I don‟t know” or To refuse requests”I don‟t care” without feeling guiltyTo judge for finding To be illogical in makingsolutions decisions. Making earth little softer
Rights • To be myself, the right to respect myself • To have feelings, opinions, values, beliefs, and to express those appropriately, to ask for what I want • How I wish to be treated, Not to be threatened • To make my own decisions taking responsibility of the consequences • How to lead my life…pursuing goals, dreams, etc. • To change my mind, make mistakes, learn from those without being ridiculed. • To change & develop my life how I determine. • To have positive, healthy, satisfying relationships in which I am safe and respected. • To be happy and at peace. Making earth little softer
Rights & responsibilities Rights ResponsibilitiesTo be treated with respect To respect rights of othersTo express opinions & To welcome opinions &feelings feelings of othersTo set your goals Help others to work to their goals & objectivesTo refuse a request Or say To encourage others to„No‟ plan their activitiesTo ask for what I want Let other full-fill their needsTo make mistakes Let others too & learnTo get what I pay To pay for service I get Making earth little softer
Test your assertiveness • Can you express negative feelings about others behavior without using abusive language • Can you exercise your strengths • Can you recognize / compliment others achievements • Do you have confidence asking what is rightfully yours, Are you able to stand up for your rights • Can accept criticism without being defensive • Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments Making earth little softer
Test your assertiveness • Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments • Are you able to refuse unreasonable demands from friends family and colleagues • Can you comfortably start and carry on a conversation by your self • Do you ask for assistance when you need Making earth little softer
Practice assertiveness Observe your behavior & keep track of assertiveness Assess your feeling & behavior checking the effective relationships Make a log or diary for a week. Be honest with yourself! Observe an effective model. • Watch someone who handles situations well for the behaviors and style. • Discuss his/her approach and the consequences in friendly manner • Imagine yourself handling situations differently. • Visualize yourself dealing effectively with a variety of situations. Making earth little softer
Practice assertiveness Be assertive, but be as much of your “natural self” as you can. Repeat this often until you can imagine a comfortable and effective style for yourself. Give it a try Find a trusted friend and role play. Get some practice saying “no”, “I have an idea,” or “that solution doesn‟t really work for me.” The more you practice, the greater your confidence. Have your partner play different roles and give you feedback Making earth little softer
Practice assertiveness To be assertive, you need to remember how worthy you are. You stand up for what you know is right. You don‟t allow others to treat you unjustly. You set limits with others by conveying what you will and will not do. When you have ideas, you speak out. You are your own leader. Being assertive does not mean you control things or get your own way. When someone asks what you think or how you feel, you don‟t just tell them what they want to hear, You honestly & tactfully tell what‟s true Making earth little softer
Practice assertiveness When some suggestion makes you uneasy or hurt you or get you into trouble, you stop and think. You tell them you won‟t do it. You don‟t let other people bully, or hurt you. For Example - If someone consistently leaves your office space or cubicle a mess, saying “I‟ve picked up your papers four times this week” won‟t put her or him on the defensive as much as “You‟re always such a slob” might. For examples I wont pass my exams if I go out with you every night "I feel hurt" rather than " You hurt me". I feel worried when you are going to be late Making earth little softer
Conflict resolution Approach- The key is using the best strategy deciding right approach for the situation at hand Avoidance - This is dodging the situation or person. It works well for a cooling off period, but is not helpful as a standard for solving the conflict Competition - Seeing who can win. “get people on your side” is not helpful in an argument Compromise - Both parties get something, but neither party gets all of. This is effective method of resolution. To know when to compromise & when to stand firm Changing behavior is a process. Honor your style and skills; what works for others may not work for you. Aim for more confidence and consistency. Making earth little softer
Demonstration Differences between aggressive, passive & assertive As tone is accusing and blaming. B is immediately put on the defensive. A: You didnt spend any time with me at the party...I really felt abandoned. B: You didnt make an effort to have a good time. A: I didnt know anybody - at least you could have introduced me to some of your friends. B: Listen, you can take care of yourself. Im sick of your complaining to be taken care of all of the time. A: And Im sick of your lack of consideration. B: Okay, youre going to need another girlfriend next time. Making earth little softer
Demonstration However, if A behaves assertively, expresses feelings with "I" statements and accepts responsibility, his request is specific, non-hostile and successful. A: I felt abandoned when you ignored me at the party. Id like you to include me in your circle of friends. B: I think what you are saying is true. I didnt spend much time with you and it sounds to me like you were feeling pretty neglected. A: I can see now that I didnt make an effort to have a good time. I could have asked you to introduce me to your friends and not wait for you to make the first move instead. B: Okay, and Ill be more considerate of you next time. Making earth little softer
Demonstration If A behaves passively, the timid opening line is followed by complete withdrawal. The bill problem must be dealt alone then A: Would you help me for a moment in figuring out this bill? B: Im busy with this essay. Come back later. A: Well, I really hate to interrupt you but it‟s important. B: Look I need to have it in by tomorrow. A: Okay, I understand I know it‟s hard to be distracted. If A behaves assertively however, she expresses her wish clearly and does not surrender to Bs negativity. A: I need your help with figuring out this bill. B: Im busy with this essay. Come back later. A: Ive waited a week & annoyed you keep the matter off. B: Look I need to have it in by tomorrow morning. A: I understand that you are under pressure, but I need to get this done. Can we do it during your break? B: Okay, let me finish this paragraph first. Making earth little softer
Steps to be assertive • Select a support system • Evaluate and decide if you need to stop/get rid of destructive behavior • Make a decision to be assertive • Assess your assertive strengths & weaknesses • When and where do you start • Decide if something critical needs attention • Work on your assertive behavior continuously Making earth little softer
Developing Assertiveness • Understand your real contributions to the team • Describe communication styles that sabotage a confident image • Describe non-verbal communication that sabotage a confident image. • Assert yourself through use of language • Accept praise graciously • Develop strategies to build a positive self- image • Participate positively in performance reviews Making earth little softer
What happens• Doesn‟t just happen.• Does not guarantee you happiness or fair treatment.• Will not solve all your problems• Does not guarantee you will get what you want Making earth little softer
Assertiveness Quiz • Do you buy things you do not want because you are afraid or shy to say no to the salesperson? • When you do not understand the meaning of a word, do you ask about it? • Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even if it is not your fault? • Do you eye contact when you talk to people? • Do people ask to speak loudly in order to be heard? • Do you feel intimidated by people in authority? • Do you generally have good posture? • Do you know how to ask for help without feeling dependent? • If someone interrupt, do you usually tell them ? Making earth little softer
Assertive person does.. • is not afraid or shy to say no. She or he feels free to make choices & clear in communication • meets the needs. Fear does not prevent the assertive person from asking questions. • takes responsibility for own behavior • maintains eye contact and suggests sincerity, self- confidence and the expectation that others will listen. • wants to be heard. • does not allow status to intimidate • poses a good posture communicates • asks for help without feeling dependent • would state that he or she is irritated being interrupted. Can answer all questions at the end. Making earth little softer
Communication Saboteurs • The Inappropriate “I” - Don‟t start sentences that aren‟t about you with “I.” These statements weaken you by implying that you are not sure of the facts you are stating • Don‟t say: I have a problem with my coworker. He never gets on time. Say : My coworker rarely gets to work on time • Get Rid of the Hedges • You hide behind words & refuse to commit when you use these words. Avoid : “Well…”; “In my opinion…”; “Basically..” • “I would like to . . .”; “I feel . . .”; “I think . . .”; “I‟m not sure, but.” • Tag Lines • A tag is a short question added to the end of a statement or a command. Tags weaken your statements because they admit doubt. Here are a couple of examples. • “This is the best proposal, isn‟t it?” OR “That‟s a good idea, don‟t you think?” Making earth little softer
Saying “No” Nicely • When you are confident and positive, you say no without being hostile/ negative. • You have alternatives when you want to resist pleasantly. • Use the language of distance. • “That task cannot be completed now.” • Use the language of power. • “Cursing makes people uncomfortable. Please don‟t use it when I am around.” • Ways to Say “No” Powerfully • “Perhaps a better solution is available.” • “That solution doesn‟t promise success.” • “That solution doesn‟t sound practical.” • “This solution promises to be more economical.” • “Let‟s consider alternative to this.” • “The data doesn‟t support this solution.” Making earth little softer
Accepting Praise Graciously Accept & enjoy the praise, compliments that come our way. It‟s a recognition & rewards for our accomplishments Ways Not to Accept Credit “It was really nothing.” “I got lucky.” “It wasn‟t me; it was the team.” “I worked hard.” “I tried.” Ways to Accept Credit “Thank you.” “I couldn‟t have done without cooperation & support of the team” Making earth little softer
Next Performance Review • Compile evidence about your accomplishments/goals • Compile thoughts to gets recognized in the conversation. • Plan how you will introduce your accomplishments gracefully. Practice saying it out loud. • Use positive visualization, Expect a great session, Assume that you will get feedback that will compliment you and help you to improve. • Use positive body language to show your leader you are engaged in the process and enthusiastic about your job and serious about doing it better. • Take every compliment given warmly. Accept credit without deflecting it. Don‟t make your leader wonder if it was wrong to give you the credit in the first place. • Accept constructive feedback with an open mind and ask questions that clarify and help you improve. Making earth little softer
Conclusion • ASSERTIVE people • get better results • live longer and healthier • enjoy rewarding relationships • continually practice being assertive Making earth little softer
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